JOKES - Rated PG

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'



The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

EXCERPT FROM A DOG'S DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


EXCERPT FROM A CAT'S DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she
looks about the store,

she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS'



Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the
instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully.

She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet
store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in
and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The
d*** frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and STERNLY says:


LISTEN TO ME!!


I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!!

Happy Holidays

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

"OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said ‘a Protestant.’ Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"

Barber Shop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer: "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber: "Just pass it and bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

The Office Party
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete butt of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday

Wife's Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerks says "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us!. Has it come to this?
Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists."

Interstate 22
An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding." The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow." "But the sign says 22."

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22. As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy. The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, "What's wrong with them?" "Well, we just came off Interstate 134.""

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR PETS

Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and
I am from Mars.

I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition
in major dog shows.

Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak
does to us when no one is around.

Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or
they'll flush my a$$.

Always scoot before licking.

Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF
how much food is *too* much.

Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this
year.

January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd -
December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. AND the Number 1
New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

I will NOT chase the d**ned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS
HAND.

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?


Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'


They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt came in smiling and said, 'It's true, I'm the sexiest man alive'


Angelina Jolie frowned and said, 'Who the heck is DEEDEE??????????????????

Yep...that;s right...change the name around and pass this on to your friends! Have some fun!!!

21 things you can only get away with saying during the holidays

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

The Welfare Check:

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I

just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.



The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes- Benz CL, and he will

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be

provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday

trips.



This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job

assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's

and has a rather strong sex drive.



A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.

located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the

salary is $200,000 a year.'



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!



The social worker said, ' Yeah, well. . You started it.

for fun, try this quick quiz
http://joeschwartz.net/quiz.htm

Spaghetti
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she
said, 'you received a very strange
post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.
Wishing you happiness and love,
Collette

911 - Hello
 
Help! "Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
 
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
 

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"