JOKES - Rated PG

SON OF A B**** FISH!


The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a B****!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B**** fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B****!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a B**** I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a B****. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B****!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a B**** I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B**** fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B****?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B**** for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a B****," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B**** for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B***h Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B**** can be the main course!" "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B***h."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a B***h!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a B****!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a B**** using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them..
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You F***ers are my kind of people!"

Blind Date



"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What's so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Butch, our boxer, hated taking his medicine. After a lot of trial and error my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down Butch's throat with something called a pill tube. So Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog's jaws open, and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed. A startled look appeared on Dad's face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. "I think I've just been de-wormed," he gasped

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to
fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and
noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Beer and Intelligence Explained

'It's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo.. And when the herd
is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, is why you always
feel smarter after a few beers.'

This one is especially for Ldl511

Sleeping Arrangements

A redneck, a preacher and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer says, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.

The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn."

An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?"

The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama. I can take it."

An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?"

The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me."

An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.

HERE'S A CLEAN JOKE FOR A CHANGE....

Going to Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!"

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

New Car

Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".

While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.

You keep losing dates on left turns.

A blond with a flat tire.





Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate.
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road,
carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood
them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my
Life-like men, which made it safe r for me to work at
the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like
crazy. It wasn't long before a CHP pulls up
behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing
here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I
told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it

R.I.P


An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

''Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Groom Doom!

"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."

SICK LEAVE

I urgently needed a few days off work,but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.."

Interesting Emergency Calls


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher:
This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know
who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked
one before.


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller:
I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on
it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said
it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and
nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm
not stupid.


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller:
My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is
her husband


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.
I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay
phone. North and Foster. d***.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on
the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you
doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running
from the police.

Oldies...


Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following
songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated
Oldies."


Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"


Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"


The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"


Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"


Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"


The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"


Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"


ABBA -- "Denture Queen"


Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"


Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"


Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"


Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"


Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"


Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"


Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"


The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"


The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know" explained the boy, "I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didn't move."

Squirming in Class

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite
itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and
returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of
the room. The teacher went back to investigate, only to find the boy
sitting at his desk with his p**** hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mother!" she said.


"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

YOU GOTTA LOVE DRUNKS!

A man and his wife
were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets
up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
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"Over here on the swing," replied the .

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is In her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

tinned pork

because of

swine flu..............


Ignore it.



It's just .

Cannot Lie

Getting a hairdryer through Customs... A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie..'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Try Try Try
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing.

So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.

Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.

Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.