JOKES - Rated PG

Cowboy Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture inCalifornia when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his -tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. .....

Now give me back my dog.

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night will stop my fellow mail carriers and me from delivering mail. One day, I delivered an envelope full of coupons to a home that was addressed: "To the Smart Shopper at..." The next day, the envelope was returned with this note scrawled on it: "Not at This Address."

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii ' so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and think of the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy...'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Double Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feeling s with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it what ever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Don't upset the Wife

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 150.00 dollar fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's Drunk.'

Floating Condom

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said: "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter?"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with
a glorious and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been
through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada
,self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those
with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.

Two bag lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.


When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
greeted him with a bright,



"T-G-I-F.."

He smiled at her and replied,


"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,



"T-G-I-F,"
more slowly.

He again answered,



"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,




"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,


"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.'
Get it, duuhhh?"


The man answered,


"'S-H-I-T'
means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'--
duuhhh.

Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the
forest when she sees the big bad wolf crouched
down behind a log. " My what big eyes you have,
Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood
sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched
behind a bush. "My what big ears you have,
Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is
crouched behind a rock. "My what big teeth you
have, Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and
screams, Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

THIS ONE RINGS ESPECIALLY TRUE FOR ME RIGHT NOW.....



4 Surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said: "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second: "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."

The third surgeon said: "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded."

"You're all wrong," said the fourth: "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Hudson , Florida .It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats..

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of freshly made bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

This one is for LaVie
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

Do you remember?
A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with
her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear
from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20
years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly.


"Yes, I do," she replies.


"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"


"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.


"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
"Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"


"I remember that, too," she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think your transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town 'seated' on his as*... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Long 'Standing' Commuter"

LADIES

GRACE seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. 'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.' 'This one's kind of strange...' 'Let me be the judge of that,'The doctor replied. 'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.' 'I see.' 'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!' The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late.....delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'You're simply going through the change!!!!!!!!

Wrong E-MAIL ADDRESS
> >
> > This one is priceless.....A lesson to be learned from
> > typing the wrong email address!
> > A Minneapolis
> > couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
> > particularly icy winter.
> > They planned to stay at
> > the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
> > earlier.
> > Because of hectic
> > schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
> > schedules..
> > So, the husband left
> > Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
> > with his wife flying down
> > the following day. The husband checked into the
> > hotel.
> > There was a computer in his room, so he
> > decided to send an email to his wife.
> > However, he accidentally
> > left out one letter in her email address,
> > and without realizing his
> > error, sent the email.
> >
> > Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned
> > home
> > from her husband's
> > funeral. He was a minister who was called home
> > to glory following a heart
> > attack. The widow decided to check her email
> > expecting messages from
> > relatives and friends. After reading the first
> > message,
> > she screamed and fainted.
> > The widow's son rushed into the room,
> > found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
> > which read:
> >
> > To: My Loving Wife
> > Subject: I've
> > Arrived
> > Date: October 16, 2005
> > I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
> > computers here now
> > and you are allowed to
> > send emails to your loved ones.
> > I've just arrived and
> > have been checked in. I've seen that everything
> >
> > has been prepared for your
> > arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
> > then!
> > Hope your journey is as
> > uneventful as mine was.
> > P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Ghosts
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" he asks.

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," the professor says: "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" he asks. Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic," he responds: "Now let me ask you one more question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says: "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You need to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck nods his head and walks to the podium.

"So, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost," the professor says.

"Ghost?" Bubba replies" "From way back there I thought you said 'Goats!'"

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that a
blonde-haired woman was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters.

PS: if you're blonde and don't get it, just move on and don't give it
another
thought...